Did I jinx myself? As soon as I started blogging again about “The Return of the Mojo,” I lost it. My last three runs have been abysmal. Well, abysmal is a overly dramatic. They’ve just not been enjoyable.
Last week, the in-laws were coming to town for my husband’s college graduation. Since they have cat allergies and we have six, and since MIL is very tidy and I’m …. not, that meant turbo-cleaning. And it was eye-opening, just how far my depression had dragged me down over the past several months. So many unfinished projects, like a shelf that broke and needed to repaired, or the bags of clothes I’d purged to donate but hadn’t taken to the thrift shop yet, or empty boxes from Chewy.com that I left for the cats to play in. Little things that add up to mess and chaos, but I’d been clutterblind. Plus, as a work from home artist, my living room isn’t just a living room. It’s an art studio, sewing factory, assembly line, and mail room, too.
It is nice having the house tidy. It feels so much bigger!
Once everything was done, or done enough on Wednesday, I had time for a run before the in-laws would get to town. But after a quarter of a mile, I was done. I couldn’t breathe, everything hurt, I just got my period (seriously, Aunt Flo, your timing SUCKS!), and my head just wasn’t in it. I stopped Runkeeper and just walked around the park for a while to clear my head.
Next time I had a chance to run was Saturday. I didn’t follow any plan – I didn’t want to put any extra pressure on myself that I HAD TO do any certain time or distance – just random walk/run intervals. It’s overcast and very humid… like running while trying to breathe soup. I had to practically drag myself out the door, but once it was done, I did feel better.
And that brings us to yesterday. Grrrrrr… I’m so frustrated. I was doing so good up until week 6, then it feels like everything went to shit. I stopped after a mile and a half. My lungs hurt (ran the first mile too fast), my feet hurt, my head hurt, my sinuses hurt, my uterus even hurt. The temperature should feel perfect, in the low 60s, but felt cold, and it was humid, cloudy, windy and if pollen-y is a word, it’s pollen-y. Couldn’t even force a smile for my post-run selfie. I was *thisclose* to bursting into tears.
It just feels like everything is going wrong. I’ll wake up raring to go, then … it’s raining. Again. So I wait until the weather’s cleared up. And by then, the oomph is just gone. Or maybe I’m not properly fueled, not that I should really need to be fueled for a 5k run. I thought after my week 6 runs that maybe I was lifting too heavy and not allowing enough time to recover, so I took some time off from lifting. Didn’t help. If anything, I feel worse.
What I really want is some goddamn sunshine. Some summer weather. It’s been cool and cloudy and rainy for a week. I’m solar powered and I’m depleted. But I’m not giving up.