Is THIS Bliss?!

Lorina's Blog

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And only NOW, will I declare the Halloween season over.

To some, Halloween is a day. Perhaps a few days, if the holiday itself happens to be on a weekday, and the parties are the weekend before. Maybe the die-hards consider all of October to be Halloween season. For me, it stretches from the first time there’s that crisp autumn smell in the air until Thanksgiving.

Ok, truthfully, it’s always something that’s on the back of my mind. I start thinking about next year’s costumes before I even wear this year’s. I’m excited as hell that Diana Gabaldon’s Outlander is going to be a tv show this year, and even more so that the actress who’ll play Claire has dark brown hair. YES! No wigs next year! Not for me, anyway. Fritz might need some help in the hair department to be Jamie. Shh… don’t tell him yet. He hates wigs as much as I do. But thankfully, he loves wearing a kilt. And he subscribes to the “Happy Wife, Happy Life” philosophy.

Anyway, back to this year. Our final costume event of the season was Wednesday, at another Headbanger’s Ball party. You might remember we dressed up in September for the first one, and were bestowed the titles of Most Metal Warrior and Most Metal Wench. Well, I can’t repeat a costume, so we went in the direction of 90’s Psychedelic Metal and channeled Rob Zombie and Sean Yseult of White Zombie.

I got a thrift store jean jacket for Fritz, and went to town painting it to resemble the jacket Rob wore in the “Thunder Kiss ’65” video. I printed out some of the album art and logos onto cardstock, and cut stencils for the designs to paint on the back, sleeves and front lapels, and zebra print for the front below the pockets. It’s kind of trippy using Martha Stewart skillz on something so dark and heavy. Then I used some faux leather and cut fringe for the back of the sleeves. I sewed silver beads around the collar and on the back, because that’s a cheap and relatively easy way to give the appearance of metal studs. Topped it all off with a Jack Sparrowish pirate wig with dreadlocks, a leopard print scarf, and his Russ Meyers tshirt.

I was originally going to dress like the go-go girl in the video… the one in the cowboy hat and little booty shorts. Then the cold snap hit. No f’n way was I being that bare when it’s 20 degrees and snowing.

Pretty much the day of the party, I was still pondering what to wear, when I remembered a patent leather faux snakeskin jacket I had in the garage. I painted that with more band art, added some funky Lichtenstein-esque leggings that I just HAD to buy when I saw them for $6 at Ross, a zebra tank, the daisy dukes I wore to the last Headbanger’s Ball, cowboy boots from high school, a crazy-loud yellow-blond wig, and a crushed velvet hat from the early 90s.

The results:

White Zombie

White Zombie

White Zombie

White Zombie

White Zombie

The results of the costume contest… Fritz is still the Most Metal Warrior. I was sadly out-wenched, but since the chick had boobs out to THERE and was dressed as a dominatrix, I do concede that she is more metal than me. After all, I’m just a nerd who does Martha Stewarty crafts and likes to play dress-up. 😉

The other result… from being hunched over painting the jackets and slouched on the couch beading the metal studs (while watching Rudolph, because I’m THAT metal), I wrenched my back or neck or shoulder or something and have been in pain for three days now. Do you understand how hard it is to listen to a band do kickass covers of Megadeth, Metallica, Motorhead, Guns n Roses and Skid Row without being able to bang your head?! Getting old sucks.

It’s hard to swallow, but I’m no longer the Youth Gone Wild. I’m the middle aged, turned mild.

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More Metal Than You.

In my last post, I posted about how to fix pants or shorts that gap at the waist. The shorts in that demo were bought for a costume event, and that event was this weekend. A “Headbanger’s Ball” themed party at a local club, encouraging people to dress in their finest spandex, leather and ripped jeans, with prizes to the Most Metal Warrior and Most Metal Wench.

Now, anyone who knows us, knows that yeah, we like music (mostly rock, metal and punk), and yeah, we have some tattoos, but mostly… we’re a couple of dorks. A label we wear proudly. He’s a D&D and MMORPG nerd;  I’m a bookworm obsessed with Outlander, Game of Thrones, Harry Potter, etc. So leading up to this, we kept making up our own verses to the hilarious Brian Posehn song, “More Metal Than You.”

For instance, “I took a nap this afternoon… I’m more metal than you.”

My husband dressed as Lemmy from Motorhead. He’s been growing out his muttonchops for about a month for this. I painted and modified a frumpy straw cowboy hat and stitched some hair extensions inside, painted the Motorhead logo on the back of a denim vest (actually, a thrift shop denim shirt with the sleeves ripped off), topped with a ginormous iron cross necklace I’ve had for AGES and some dogtags, then I drew a couple of “Cocoa Puffs” on his face (thanks, Beavis & Butthead, for putting that mental image in my head) with eyebrow pencil for Lemmy’s moles.

I was… yeesh. I was mutton dressed as lamb, if lambs can be kind of slutty. I had my booty shorts that I just got, with some silver studs applied to make them more glam and tacky, but the rest was all straight from the vaults of my youth. Stuff I used to wear when I’d go see local hair bands at under 21 clubs in the late 80s and early 90s. A chauffer’s cap with a peace sign on it, a choke chain, an arm full of bracelets, a studded belt and leopard print scarf flowing from my waist, fishnets and cowbow boots. And some extra hair. No… Lots of extra hair.

Here’s the photos, in all their ridiculousness.

 photo IMG_6192_zps8c7c520d.jpg

Oh, and by the way, we won. We’re not only more metal than you, we’re most metal of all.

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First World Problem & Solution: Squat Butt

If you’ve read my other posts, you know I’m in LOVE with what doing barbell squats has done to my backside. I went from a flat, droopy, mushy bum to a round, high and firm booty. See?

Squats do a booty good.

However, when your bum is no longer flat, droopy or mushy, you do run into problems finding clothes that fit properly. If they fit in the ass, hips and thighs, they gap at the waist. Oh, I know… what a hardship! I have a curvy body and small waist. I better stop lifting weights! NOT.

Here’s a pair of shorts I just bought for an upcoming costume event… I don’t typically wear shorts THIS short. Even though I’m normally a size 4 or 6, I had to buy these in a (juniors size) 13 to fit my backside and not cut off circulation to my legs. And they gap at the waist.

Gaping at the waist.

 

They gap so badly that I could carry a large jar candle back there.

Smuggling candles.

Don’t despair. The solution is simple. It’ll take about 10 minutes and all you need are a needle, thread, and pair of scissors. And the scissors are only for cutting the thread. You don’t need that much thread, a small spool will do, and you’ll want something that better matches your fabric, but I wanted the stitches to show for the purpose of this demonstration.

All you need.

All you need to do is make two small darts in the back of the waistband. A dart is a fold in the fabric used to give a garment dimension. Many fitted blouses will have darts and seaming to give you room for boobies and shape at your waist. The problem with many pants is that they’re cut at an angle to allow for the width of your hips, but they don’t have structure and shaping for the roundness of a shapely tushie. So you’ll have to create them.

First, decide where you want them. I’m putting mine in the back near the middle belt loop. Also have a rough idea of how much smaller you need the waist. I didn’t want these so tight that they’d give me a muffin top, so I figured about three inches should do. Each fold is about 3/4 of an inch deep, so each dart takes in about 1.5 inches. Times two is three inches.

showing where the dart will be.

If you’re working on regular clothes, not a pair of cheap costume shorts, you’ll want to plan it better, and maybe even use a washable marker to outline where you want your darts to be, and pins to hold it in place. All the stuff they taught you in Home Ec class. Do they even still teach sewing in school? They should. No one should need to pay someone to sew a button back on a shirt.

Next step, start sewing. You’ll want to sew at a diagonal line (which I show better in another photo) so that the top near your waistband is a larger fold of fabric, and it tapers down to nothing at the end by your bum.

start sewing

You’ll repeat the same thing on the other side. At the waistband, your darts will look like little bunny ears.

both darts

Here’s a better photo of the shape of the dart. It starts wide at the waistband, then goes diagonally. I sewed from top to bottom, did a few more stitches to reinforce the bottom, then back up to the top.

shape of the dart

This is how it will look from the back when it’s done. Yes, it’s visible, but chances are, if someone is this close to your backside, they’re more concerned about getting IN your pants than any alterations that might have been made TO the pants.

back view

Once they’re on, it’s even less visible, and would be less visible still if these shorts were a uniform wash and didn’t have so much variation in color.

How they look on.

And from the side, no more gap! Yay!

No more gap!

So, instead of complaining about clothes not fitting right, realize that clothes are made to fit the widest variety of body shapes, but they can be easily changed to fit your individual shape. Ignore the size on the tag, and buy what fits the largest part of your body. If you don’t have the money to spend to get something professionally tailored, buy some needles and thread and try it yourself. An alteration like this requires no permanent change to the garment. If it doesn’t work, just snip your stitches and start over.

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